Hetalia: The Abridged Series
by livvykitty
Summary: Italy must save the world by playing a children's card game! America's a furry? England has a gaydar? Belgium makes friendship speeches? Francis is being the cliche villian? WTF?
1. Episodes 1 to 3

**A/N: I saw Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged and thought "Hey, what if this was Hetalia?" So I made this! This chapter is the first three episodes of season1. The next are the next three- You get the drill. After Season 1 there will be fillers then it's on to Season 2! You might have to wait for Season 3 since LK hasn't even finished it… **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. I don't even own the concept…**

**Characters (Might change depending on chapter):**

**Yugi: Feliciano Vargas (North Italy)**

**Yami: Lovino Vargas (South Italy)**

**Joey: Alfred F. Jones (America) He's a furry! USA/usa = bunny!**

**Serenity: Madeline Jones (Fem! Canada)**

**Tristan: Antonio something (Spain)**

**Tea: Belle (Belgium)**

**Ryou: Arthur Kirkland (England)**

**Bakura: Punk! Arthur Kirkland (Still England)**

**Gramps: Romulus (Roman Empire)**

**Weevil: Feliks (Poland)**

**Seto: Vash something (Switzerland)**

**Mokuba: Lilly (Lichtenstein) **

**Rebecca: Peter Hawkins (Sealand)**

**Professor Hawkins: Kiku Honda (Japan)**

**Duke: Gilbert I have no idea what his last name is (Prussia)**

**Pegasus: Francis Bonnefoy (France)**

**Hair Guy: Mathias something (Denmark)**

**Bandit Keith: Mathew Williams known as Bandit Matt (Canada. Who?) Did you know Bandit Keith is actually Canadian?**

**Mai: Katyusha Braginksy (Ukraine) **

**The Paradox Brothers: Yao and Yong Soo. (China and Korea) **

**Jeanne: Joan of Arc. (You know why)**

**Norway: Random Villain (OOC from time to time)**

**Iceland: Random Victim/ Henchman (OOC as well)**

* * *

_Episode 1- Pilot_

_Yugioh is filmed before a live studio audience._

Feliciano and Alfred were playing Duel Monsters with Gilbertand Belle watching.

"Hey Alfred! Earth to Alfred!" Feliciano called. "Hey, it's your move!"

"Sorry Feli," Alfred apologized, "Doing this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on card games…" Antonio put an arm around his shoulder.

"I know what you mean. My voice is pretty crazy too! I'm thinking about changing it." Antonio grinned at his stupid sounding voice.

"By the way, my Grandpa has a super rare card!" Feliciano said.

"Groovy~!" Antonio said.

In another part of the room, Vash perked up.

'_Rare card. That sounds vague enough to be the Blue Eyes White Dragon._' Vash thought to himself. '_And since I'm a child billionaire in charge of a huge gaming company… I obviously have nothing better to do than go check it out._'

LATER!

"Hey, Gramps," Feliciano said as he and his group entered the shop. "Can we see your super rare awesome chocolaty fudge coated mega super card?"

"I don't see why not." Romulus shrugged and took out his card. "Here it is, the Blue Eyes White Dragon."

"That's the least threatening name for a monster I've ever heard!" Alfred exclaimed. "What noob would want a card like that?" Of course, Vash ran in right after Alfred said that.

"I'm here for your Blue Eyes, old man, and I won't take no for an answer. Now give it to me." Vash demanded.

"No." Romulus said, putting his card away.

"Curses, foiled again." Vash started to walk away. "I'm going to go hire some thugs to kidnap you now. I'm rich, so they won't even think about pressing charges." And so, Vash was gone.

"… That Vash kid needs to get laid." Romulus sighed.

"Big time!" Antonio readily agreed.

LATER!

Feliciano picked up the phone. "Hello, Game Shop?"

"I kidnapped your Grandpa, Feliciano, and then I dueled him into submission. So could you get here and call an ambulance? I have far too much money to be expected to do it myself." Vash hung up.

"Wait, who is this?" Feliciano asked.

MORE TIME PASSES!

"Grandpa! Are you okay?" Feliciano ran to his Grandfather's side.

"For some reason, playing a card game has caused me to become severely injured." Romulus said.

"That's right," Vash said, holding the Blue Eyes card, "And now… Watch this!" He tore it in half.

"Grandpa's super rare awesome super card!" Feliciano gasped.

"What da heck did you do that for?" Alfred asked.

"So that it will never be used against me." Vash said.

"In that case, why not tear every card in the whole world?" Feliciano asked.

"… Shut up and duel me."

"Don't worry Gramps! I'll win this duel with your deck!" Feliciano started to take the deck from his Grandpa's hand.

"Wait, wait a minute, I've been injured so you're going to steal my deck and play cards with your arch rival?" Romulus asked.

"Pretty much." Feliciano snatched the deck.

"No wonder your parents are never around!"

"Gather round everyone," Belle said, "And I'll mark us with a special sign!" Belle then drew a sign on everyone's hand.

"Uh, Belle, not for nothing but," Alfred stared at his hand. "Ain't this permanent marker?"

"Oh. Oops." Belle said.

"Why were you even carrying that thing around in the first place?"

"I'm a kleptomaniac. I stole it from school."

"Hey, my wallet's missing!" Antonio gasped.

"Vash took it!" Belle yelled, pointing dramatically at Vash.

"It's time to duel!" Feliciano's eyes had turned green and his voice was deeper.

"Wait, did your testicles just drop in the last five seconds or something, _what the hell happened to your voice?-!_" Vash stared at Feliciano.

The game started.

"Holy shit! Real monsters!" Feliciano said.

"Actually, they're just super advanced holograms created for the sole purpose of enriching the experience of a children's card game." Vash explained.

"Okay, seriously, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Who wastes all their money on something like that?" Feliciano asked.

"The guy who's going to beat your pasty Italian ass with three Blue Eyes White Dragons. That's who." Vash said.

"Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" Feliciano asked, now emerald eyes shining.

"Yeah, so?"

"That's against the rules isn't it?"

"_Screw the rules I have money!_" Vash said. "Now draw your last pathetic card, Feliciano, so I can finish you!"

"My Grandfather's deck has no pathetic cards, Vash." Feliciano said. "Except maybe the Kuriboh. But it also has THIS!" He pulled out all five Exodia cards. "The unstoppable Exodia!"

"ARGH! EXODIA! It's not possible! Nobody has ever been able to summon _him!_" Vash took a few steps back.

"Really? Is that because it's so rare?" Feliciano asked.

"No, it's because this game makes no sense. No one could figure out how to do it." Vash said.

"Nobody except ME." Feliciano yelled. "Exodia, OBLITERATE!" Exodia attacked.

"Big brother," Lilly came to the field. "Is it time for my cameo yet?"

"How?" Vash asked. "How could you summon Exodia?"

"If you truly with to know," Feliciano's forehead glowed with a mysterious eyeball symbol. "Then talk to the hand!"

"ARGHHHHhhhh…" The evil look on Vash's face was lifted, making him look much cuter than before. Feliciano's eyes returned to their normal color.

AT THE HOSPITAL!

"I wet myself…" Romulus said, still hooked up to a machine.

SOMEWHERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

"Mr. Francis, sir, it seems the raining duel monsters champion has been defeated by someone named Yugi. Also, it's time for your sponge bath." The blonde man being addressed smirked, fake eye gleaming.

_Episode 2- Rocky VII_

_In tonight's episode, the part of Antonio will be played by Barney the dinosaur._

"I say, Feliciano," Arthur said, hot British accent showing, "Can I play too?"

"Sorry Kirkland, main characters only." Feliciano said.

"Playing card games sure beats doing schoolwork!" Alfred said happily. "Arithmetic is for losers! Now I just gotta subtract your defense points from my attack points and… And uh… Wait, how do I do that?"

"It's official. You're an idiot." Belle said.

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family~!" Antonio sang.

LATER!

"Antonio's song taught me a valuable lesson; I need to learn how to be a better duelist!" Alfred said. "Ya gotta help me out here, Feli!"

"Let me see your deck." Feliciano was handed Alfred's deck.

'_Oh man. His deck is even more powerful than mine! Whoa, the Dark Magician! I just gotta have that!_'

"Geez, Alfred, your cards are worthless!" Feliciano said. "Tell you what, why don't I get rid of these and we'll visit Gramps and set you up with a new super special awesome deck!"

"Thanks Feli. You're always looking out for me."

LATER!

"Oh Black Luster Soldier, no one must ever know of our forbidden love." Romulus said, touching a poster of said monster.

"Hey, Feli's Gramps! How 'bout training me to become Duel Monsters Champ over here!" Alfred grinned.

"Fine, but it will require hours of rigorous off screen practice." Romulus said.

"Really? … I don't get a training montage?"

"Who do you think you are? Rocky Bowl Boa?"

LATER!

Belle, Antonio, Alfred and Feliciano were sitting on the couch watching TV.

"Man, I love the card game channel!" Alfred said.

"It's almost as good as the Watching Paint Dry Channel!" Feliciano said.

"There's a package here for you, Feli!" Romulus came in with a box. "You better not have been using my credit card to buy Duel Monsters merchandise off EBay again."

"It's from Industrial Illusions. I guess they heard about my victory over Vash." Feliciano said.

"Yeah, those card games are big news. It completely overshadowed the fact your Grandpa was kidnapped and hospitalized." Alfred said.

"Hey! Look! I'm on TV!" Antonio exclaimed.

"What are you talking about, Toni? That's just a purple dinosaur!" Alfred said.

"Hey there's a video in the package!" Feliciano took it out and out it in his VCR.

"I just hope it isn't one of those cursed video tapes that are all the rage these days…" Romulus said.

"Seven days…" The blond man on the tape said. He had one blue eye, stubble and a fake eye.

"OH SNAP I KNEW IT!"

"That's right, Feli boy, there's only seven days left until Duelist Kingdom!" The man said. "And in order to get you to enter, I'm going to force you to play a shadow game." Time seemed to freeze and Feliciano and the man were facing each other. The change happened in Feliciano.

"Win in fifteen minutes and I'll release you're friends."

"That's fine by me, Francis." Feliciano said. "I'll beat you with the cards I stole from… I mean the cards that Alfred gave me." He drew a card.

"You won't beat anyone with that dragon card." Francis said.

"You can see into my mind?" Feliciano asked in awe. Honestly, was this Feliciano though?

"Yes, Lovi boy, and I can see that you and I have a great deal in common." Francis said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Isn't it obvious~?"

"Look pal, just because I inhabit the body of a teenage boy doesn't mean I'm a-" Lovino was cut off.

"Oh, come now, Lovi boy, I was referring to our Millennium Items." Francis said.

"Oh." Lovino looked down. "Right, I knew that!"

Only five minutes were left on the clock.

"What if I told you I didn't actually create duel monsters and they're actually based on mystical duels held by Italian Kings many thousands of years ago?"

"What you talking 'bout Francis?"

"These Italian Kings battled with real monsters and real magic. So, as you can imagine it was a great deal more exciting than the watered down crap I created."

"Wait a minute!" Lovino yelled. "You're using this monologue to stall for time!"

"Well it worked, didn't it?" Francis was smug.

"YOU'RE A CHEAT!"

"No, my strategy was merely-" Francis was cut off.

"Hey everybody! Francis is a big stinky CHEATER!"

"Oh, so that's the way you're going to play it, is it? Fine then. Let's see how your Grandpa manages…" Cue dramatic pause. "Without his soul!" Romulus's soul was taken. "Ohonhonhonhon~ I'm so ambiguously camp!"

Everything returned to normal except that Romulus's body was on the floor. And image was left on the TV of him.

"Feeeliiii…"

Feliciano changed back. "YOU BASTARD! You turned him into a _MIME_! Grandpa! Grandpa!"

"Down in front, will ya?" Alfred yelled.

"Yeah, we were watching that!"

_Episode 3- My Cards Will Go On_

"_I'm not actually in this episode," Lovino said. "Has anyone seen my agent?"_

'_Well, Grandpa's a drooling vegetable._' Feliciano thought. '_And now, thanks to Francis, he's lost his soul too. I've just gotta save him! But first I should probably figure out how to get down from here…_' Feliciano was, indeed, stuck on the roof.

"Hello? Anyone? … A little help?"

SOME WHERE ELSE!

"Hey, it's another video tape!" Alfred put it in. "I wonder if Francis wants my soul too…"

"_**What's up, big brother?**_" Madeline was on the screen.

"It's my little sister who sounds nothing like me!"

"_**The doctors have been so busy figuring out why my voice is so high pitched, they've neglected my eyesight. Now I'm going blind. See you later! … Or not.**_" The video stopped.

"I guess my soul's not good enough for Francis…"

TIME SKIP!

"I've decided to accept Francis's invitation and go to his private island where I'll be completely at his mercy," Feliciano announced. "It's a shame rich megalomaniacs are immune from the law, otherwise we could just tell the police."

"Cash sure does terrible things to people. It's like that saying. Money is the root of all-" Antonio cut off Alfred's rare bit of wisdom.

"Hey look! This tournament has a prize of three million dollars!"

"Ca-Ching! Duelist Kingdom, here I come!" Alfred completely forgot about what he was going to say.

TIME SKIP!

"Hey Alfred, remember the time we became friends?" Feliciano asked.

"Yeah…"

"_GIVE ME BACK MY MILENIUM PUZZLE, YOU BIG DICKWEEDS! WHYYYYYYYYYY?"_

"_We're tormenting youuuuu~" Alfred and Antonio had stolen the Puzzle…_

"Actually, Alfred, I was talking about the part after that."

"Oh yeah, now I remember…"

"_I mean it guys, give it back!"_

"_WE'RE STILL TORMENTING YOUUUUUUU~"_

"Man… Good times."

"No, Alfred, I mean the time when I saved you from that bully!"

"Huh… No. I don't remember that."

"But I was all heroic and stuff!"

"… Hey, remember the time me and Antonio took your Millennium Puzzle?"

"_WHYYYYYYYYY?"_

"_Torment~"_

"… Remind me why we're friends again?" Feliciano sighed.

TIME SKIP!

Now they were at the dock, about to board a boat.

"Attention Duelists!" Mathias called. "My hair is telling me that it's time for you to board! Anyone caught WITHOUT a ridiculous hairstyle will not be permitted to enter the Duelist Kingdom."

Alfred was being restrained. "Hey, but my hair is all blonde and poofy! And it has a cowlick!"

"Sorry sir, but it has to be at least twice the size of your head to count." Feliciano decided to intrude.

"He's with me."

"Whoa. Your hair is crazy enough for two people. Okay, he can go."

"Thanks Feli! Man, your hair really is crazy… What the hell's your secret?" Alfred asked. The signature L'Oreal sign appeared above Feliciano's head.

"L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it."

SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE BOAT!

"Come on, Antonio!" Belle said. "Let's sneak on board lik Solid Snake!"

"Don't our parents even care we're missing?" Antonio asked.

BACK TO FELI!

"Is that a Light force Sword in your pocket or are you just happy to see me~?" A girl with a humongous chest came up to Feliciano.

"Check it out, Feli! It's a pair of giant breasts attached to a woman!" Alfred said.

"The name's Kat Nyan. Not a very subtle pun, but nothing about me is subtle." Kat said.

"Boobies~!" Alfred said.

"I'll crush you when we get to the island." Kat walked away.

"With your boobies, right?"

SOME WHERE ELSE ON THE BOAT!

"What's wrong, Belle?" Antonio asked.

"I need to use the bathroom, but the woman who plays me won't admit it." Belle said.

"In another few hours, the sun will rise~!" Antonio said.

"WHAT THE HELL DOES _THAT_ MEAN?"

(Seriously, he says that… Wtf?)

"Hey, isn't that Arthur?" Belle looked over at where the Brit was.

"Kirkland? The limey kid from school?" Antonio asked.

"What's he doing here?"

"Who cares? He's not even a main character!"

ON THE OTHER SIDE!

"Hey, Feli!" Feliks said. "Like, give me your cards or something."

"Well, you're clearly evil, but I see no reason not to trust you!" Feliciano foolishly handed over his cards.

"Say goodbye to Exodia~!" Feliks threw them over the edge. "Hehehe, that was cool, heheh."

"Holy cow, I never even saw that coming!" Feliciano said.

"I'LL SAVE THEM!" Alfred jumped over the edge. Music came from nowhere. "Must… Risk… Life… For trading cards…!" A wave crashed into him and he went under.

Feliciano dived in. Soon, Antonio and Belle had dropped a ladder for them both.

"Hey! Get a room, you two!" Antonio yelled.

They were pulled up.

"Sorry you almost drowned, guys." Belle said.

"If it's any consolation, the sun will rise in a few hours." Antonio said.

"Man... I can't believe I didn't save your cards! Compared to this, my sister's imminent blindness is a minor inconvience!"

"Your sister? How come you never mentioned that subplot before?" Feliciano asked.

"My parents got divorced a long time ago… Because I tried teaching her how to drive."

"_Alfred! Stop this crazy thing!"_

"_Apply the hand brakes you dumb broad!" _

'_If she's going blind, I might actually have a chance with her!_' Antonio thought.

"We'll both do our best! You for your sister, and me for my Grandpa." Feliciano said.

"I'm not even sure why I bothered coming…" Belle said.

"… Hey look! I was right about the sun!" Antonio said.

* * *

**Review? What do you think? REVIEW~~~~~!**


	2. Episdoe 4 to 6

**A/N: Thanks for the… review. *glares at LilyRoseDreamer and Moon* You're right, Asylum. Lithuania would be perfect!**

**Rex: Toris (Lithuania)**

**Mako: Cecil (Male! Secheyelles XD)**

**Calkowicie is Polish for 'Totally', Lenkija is Lithuanian for 'Poland' and Mer is French for 'Sea'.**

**WARNING: HAS A BIT OF SEXISM!**

**Okay, so ON WITH THE PARODY!**

* * *

_Episode 4- Lord of the Cards_

_Toris and Feliks in "Huh-huh, you said Man Eater Bug"!_

"Wow!" Alfred exclaimed as they approached the island. "We have our own private island! It's kind of like that book… 'Lord of the Flies', but with a lot less subtext and a lot more card games!"

"Isn't that movie with the evil ring and the hobbits?" Antonio asked.

"Why would any of that be on this island, you idiot?" Belle scolded Antonio.

Now let's think… Arthur has an evil ring and Lily is small enough to be a hobbit… Nope, Belle must be right!

They started to un board.

'_I hope no one notices we're trespassing!_' Antonio thought, walking stiffly.

"Hey, you."

'_The irony!_'

"Quit drawing attention to yourself. You barely even qualify as a sidekick."

"Ahchoo!" Alfred sneezed.

"You wouldn't have got that cold if it hadn't been for Feliks." Feliciano said.

"Actually, I wouldn't have caught it if you hadn't been a naive moron and handed him your most valuable cards!"

"… No, it was definitely Feliks. He threw my Grandfather's cards into the ocean and I'll never forgive him."

"It's kind of like the time Alfred threw away a piece of you're Millennium Puzzle!" Antonio said.

"Yeah..." Alfred said. "But you forgave me for that, right Feli?"

"Sure, Alfred, sure…" Feliciano looked angry. I wonder what he was thinking.

"Attention, Duelists!" Mathias announced. "If you could stop staring at my hair for a moment, you will see that behind me is Francis's castle! Now, please follow the unnecessarily long staircase to meet your host!"

"My limey senses are tingling!" Belle said. She looked over the edge of the stairwell.

"What's wrong, Belle?" Feliciano asked.

"I thought I saw Arthur again!" Belle said.

"Maybe we should go see… He is our friend you know." Alfred said.

"And let him cut into my precious screen time? No way! Besides, it's not like he's a main character or anything." Feliciano said and they kept walking. Arthur, though, was in the woods down below.

"Hey, check out all the obligatory cameos! Kat Nyan, Feliks Calkowicie, Toris Lenkija, Cecil Mer!"

"But where's the reigning champion, Vash?"

"Didn't you hear? He was barred from the tournament because his name wasn't stupid enough!"

"Welcome to the Duelist Kingdom!" Francis said. "Let me assure you that this tournament is one hundred percent genuine and not in any way an elaborate rouse thrown together at the last moment to steal an ancient Italian artifact. To advance to the finals and a chance at three million dollars, you must win them by betting them on card games. Remember kids, gambling is good for you~!"

SOME TIME LATER!

"Now that my cold has instantly cleared up, I can't wait to win this tournament and get the prize money!" Alfred said.

"For the operation, right?" Feliciano asked.

"What operation?" Alfred asked.

"The one for your sister!"

"… What sister?"

"Hey, it's Feliks!" Belle pointed him out.

"Feliks," Feliciano started, "I challenge you to a-" Feliks ran away, leading the group.

"Hey, he's running away!" Alfred stated the obvious.

"It's almost as if he doesn't want to play a card game!" Feliciano said.

"Actually, dumbasses, I was leading you into this vague trap or something."

"Super special awesome ultra sexy transformation sequence, _GO_!" Feliciano changed and Lovino was in his place.

"I'm back, baby!"

"Two can play at that game, dill hole." The ground started to shake.

"Sweet Mother of Pluto! He's transforming too!" Lovino exclaimed. "But who or what is he becoming?"

"I am CORNHOLIO! I need TP for my bunghole, hehehe." Feliks said.

"It's time to duel, you strange, silly person."

"You threaten me? I summon my Generic Insect. Hehehe."

"Wow." Belle said. "Look at all the Falic imagery."

"What are you talking about, Belle? There ain't anything remotely suspect about this duel!" Alfred said.

"Now, quiver in fear as my knight's mighty lance penetrates your moist cocoon." Lovino said.

"Hm… I guess you're right." Belle said.

"Hey look! Breasts have arrived!" Antonio said, pointing at Kat.

"You guys are wasting your time." Kat said. "Feliciano doesn't stand a chance. He's not nearly as experienced enough."

"Compared to friendship and compassion, experience is meaningless!" Belle said.

"Keep telling yourself that honey," Kat said. "What are you, a virgin?"

"BITCH I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT!" Belle was restrained by Alfred.

"Could you guys stop talking about sex? I'm trying to over Kat's cleavage here!" Alfred said, indeed looking at Kat's chest.

"I activate Dale Sex Machina!" Lovino said.

"Hey! No fair! You can't use spell cards during my turn!" Feliks said.

"Tell it to the writing staff!" Lovino stated harshly. "Summoned Skull! Destroy his cheap Mothera imitation!"

"YAY!" Alfred and Antonio cheered. "We were totally ineffectual!"

"I lost! And stuff."

"Maybe next time, you'll think twice about forcing people to part with their valuables. Now give me your star chips and kiss my feet!" Lovino demanded.

"Damnit! This card game sucks…" Feliks said.

"Settle down, butt munch."

_**(New episodes every week!) **_

_Episode 5- My Funny SkankeNyan._

* * *

"Hetalia is sponsored by Feli'os. They're Feli-licious!" Lovino was holding a cheap cereal. "Wait, 'Feli-licious'? Is that even a word?"

"It let's the kids know they're tasty!" 

"Yeah, but… Feli-licious? Are they supposed to taste like Feliciano or something?" 

"Lovino…"

"How do you go about testing something like that? … Other than the… Obvious method." 

"Just say the line, you amateur!" 

"Fine! Feli'os, apparently they're Feli-licious. Now where is my fucking paycheck?"

* * *

"Even though I'm the clear underdog in this tournament, the fact that I'm a main character pretty much assures me the place in the finals!" Alfred said.

"Yeah, but because you're a comic relief character, you stand no chance of winning!" Belle said.

"Nyeeeeeeeeh!" Poor Alfred had tripped.

"He's just overly excited because this is the first episode that actually revolves around his character." Feliciano said.

"I can't wait for MY own episode!" Antonio exclaimed. Only crickets were heard. "… It's never going to happen, is it?"

"Do the words 'robot monkey' mean anything to you?" Belle sweat dropped.

'_It's at times like this I actually miss hanging out with my sister._' Alfred thought.

"_Where are we going Alfred?" Madeline asked, clutching her brother's hand. They were both children in this flashback. _

"_We're going to the beach! Isn't that what you wanted?" Alfred said cutely. _

"_Actually, I'd rather stay home and play video games." _

"_We're going to the beach." _

"_Alfred," Madeline said, running along side Alfred, "You're the world's best big brother! Maybe one day you'll win a card game tournament to fix my eyesight!" _

_They were both starting to work on their sandcastle. Alfred said, "Sorry, I didn't hear that. Your voice is just too high pitched!" _

"_I love you, Alfred." _

"_Nope, I didn't catch that either." _

"_Can we go home now?" _

"_Seriously, stop talking you dumb broad!" _

'_I promise ya, sis, I'll win this tournament and win the prize money! Then you'll be able to afford speaking lessons and learn talk good, like what I do!_'

"You lost, crybaby, now give me your star chips!"

"Since there's only one other female character on this island, that has to be Kat!" Belle said.

"No fair!" Emil said. "I thought disguising myself as a bee would help me win!"

"Ain't it a little unfair for a grown woman to be challenging children to card games?" Alfred asked.

"Wow, Feli~! You have such _small_ hands~!" Kat grabbed Feliciano's hand. "I like that in a man."

"_Back off, bitch, he's mine!_" Belle said demonically.

"My breasts challenge you to a duel." Kat said.

"Samurai Warrior Guy! Attack her Winged Aerobic Instructor!" Alfred commanded.

"Wait, Alfred, in this episode flying monsters have an advantage over land based monsters for no adequately explored reason!" Feliciano said.

"How did you summon that monster without even looking at your cards?" Alfred asked.

"I have ESP." Kat said.

"WHOOOOOA, too much information, lady!"

"ESP, NOT PMS!"

"Ohhhh, so you're psychic." Alfred said, finally understanding.

"Bingo." Kat said. "And it's not a trick, so don't even bother figuring it out."

"Wait, you just sprayed all your cards with perfume!" Alfred had smelled the perfume.

"NO WAY! How could an amateur like you see through my aroma strategy?" Kat said.

"It sure is lucky I don't still have that cold from the previous episode, or I wouldn't have noticed something like that."

"Alfred needs help, Feliciano! Transform into your sexy alter ego!" Belle said dramatically.

"DADADADADADA~! PUBERTY POWER!" Feliciano transformed.

"Don't let her boobies distract you, Alfred!" Lovino said. "You CAN defeat her! Her cards share one very distinct detail."

"What's that?" Alfred asked.

"They've all been censored by 4Kids."

"That's right!" Alfred looked determined. "With the power of 4Kids and sexism, I can win this duel! TIME ROULETE, GO!" A clock thing appeared, then disappeared, aging every monster on the field.

"Thousand Dragon! Destroy all her Harpies at once!"

"Doesn't anyone in this tournament know the _rules_ to this game?" Antonio yelled from the sidelines.

"How… Could I lose to such an amateur…?" Kat said.

"That's just what you get for being a woman. With girly parts." Alfred said.

"Good job, Alfred. You won your first real duel. But remember, you are nothing without me. NOTHING!" Lovino said.

"Hooray~ for censorship~!" Alfred said.

_Episode 6- Everyone Hates Cecil_

"_Actually, I DO smoke marijuana!" Lovino said. "It's goooood stuff…" _

"It sure was nice of you to share your fish with us, Cecil!" Feliciano said.

"Don't worry, my friends! There's more than that came from!" Cecil grinned.

"We should probably get going…" The group started walking away.

"Leaving so soon, are you?" Cecil said.

"What a swell guy!" Antonio said.

"I like that he doesn't wear a shirt~!" Belle said with fangirlish glee.

"AH!" Feliciano had a harpoon at his feet.

"Holy shit on a shit sandwich!" Antonio said.

"… Did you just throw a harpoon at me?" Feliciano asked.

"… I didn't want you to leave… And I didn't know how else to get your attention." Cecil said.

"Just ask! Just say, 'Hey, Feliciano, could you stay a little longer?' Don't lug a freaking HARPOON AT ME! Seriously, that's like the rudest thing EVER!"

"…Hey, Feliciano, could you stay a little longer? Maybe-" Cecil was cut off.

"Well it isn't going to work now! Not after you almost skewered me!"

"I'm not entirely sure what to say…"

"Maybe it'd be best if we just left." They walked away again.

"No hard feelings about the harpoon, right?" Cecil asked.

"GET BENT YOU FREAKY FISH GUY!" Alfred yelled.

"I am NOT a freaky fish guy!"

"Cecil's a freaky fish guy~!" Antonio and Alfred sang.

"At least the ocean will never leave me!" Cecil turned toward it. "Right ocean? … Why don't you ever answer me, ocean?"

AT FRANCIS'S CASTLE!

A few bed sheets tied together fell down. Lilly looked around and pulled her bandana over her mouth. She started to climb down, then came at the end of the line.

"I probably should've thought this throuuuuuugh…" The bed sheet came undone, Lilly dropping.

"Ah! Ow! My neck! I sure am glad I'm a cartoon!"

WITH FELICIANO!

"Man, that Cecil guy was a fucking psycho!" Feliciano said.

"It's enough to make you appreciate that Francis fellow." Alfred said.

"Attention Duelists!" Mathias had some poor kid in a pink shirt. "My hair is assaulting you!"

"I'm actually going to do something for once!" Antonio charged at Mathias, punching, then flipping him to the ground. "My voice gives me super strength!"

"Yes, but my hair gives me the power to defy gravity!" Mathias flipped back at Antonio (without landing) and kicked him.

"Oh, the humanity!"

"I somehow found out this kid doesn't have any star chips, so I'm throwing him off the island." Mathias stated.

"Cool! Let's go watch!" Antonio sprinted along with the rest of the group. Lukas was thrown into the boat and into Feliks.

"Like, hey! Don't rock the boat, butt munch!"

"But I didn't lose my star chips, they were stolen from me! I swear it on the life of my pink shirt!" Lukas swore.

"Don't worry, we'll get your star chips!" Feliciano said.

"You'll bring them back to me?"

"I never said that!"

Lilly jumped out of the bushes. "Thanks to this awesome disguise, you'll never be able to figure out my identity!"

"Hey, isn't that Vash's adorably voiced little sister?" Alfred said.

"You'll pay for what you did to my big brother!" Lilly said, the duel starting.

"_Vash! What's wrong?" Lilly ran in. _

"_They wrote my character out of the show, Lilly." Vash said. _

"_No way! But you're Feliciano's arch rival!" _

"_And I haven't been in a single episode since he defeated me. Since he's the star, he thinks he can hog all the screen time. I mean, look at Arthur!" _

"_Who the hell is Arthur?" _

"_Precisely." Vash got up and started leaving. "Now I'm going to go hide in some undisclosed location. You stay here and guard my multi million dollar company. Kay thanks." _

"_But Vash! What if an evil group tries to take over while you're gone?" _

"_Oh come on Lilly, what are the chances of that happening?" _

_Lilly was overhearing a meeting. _

"_Now let me get this straight," Francis said. "Vash boy is missing, so you're evil group has a plan to take over his company?" _

"_That is correct!" _

"_I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Lilly said. She was kidnapped by Mathias. _

"For the love of Jupiter, are we going to duel or stand around having flash backs?" Lovino growled.

"Thanks to you, Francis kidnapped me and my brother's company is about to be taken over by corporate suits!" Lilly accused.

"All because I beat him in a card game."

"That's right!"

"… You're some kind of idiot, you know that?"

Lilly jumped off and quickly climbed up Lovino's side.

"AN IDIOT WHO'S GOT ALL YOUR STAR CHIPS!" Lilly jumped off and ran.

"Damn, that kid is fast!"

"Stealing makes everything better!"

"Wait, Lilly! You mustn't do this thing!" Lilly stopped. "Think, what would your brother say if he saw you like this?"

"_Good job, Lilly. Now steal something of Alfred's too._" Vash would say.

"… What would he say if he wasn't a complete douchebag?"

"You're right, Feliciano. I'll return all the star chips." Lilly said and started to walk with them. "Just as long as you let my brother back on the show!"

"That's fine by me." Lovino said.

"And maybe you could give Arthur a bigger role?"

"Don't push your luck, kid."

SOMEWHERE ELSE!

"I've designed these new hologram doohickeys that will help me defeat Feliciano. I'm sure the cold hand of science will overcome his magical powers." Vash said to no one in particular. Lukas and Emil came in.

"Don't move a muscle or we'll shoot you with our invisible guns!" Emil said.

"I'M TOO RICH TO DIE!" Vash grabbed his suitcase and jumped out the window… LIKE A BOSS.

"There's no way he could have survived that fall." Lukas said looking down.

"Actually, it seems I'm still alive!"

"Nope, he's definitely dead." Emil said.

"YOU'RE A BUNCH OR IDIOTS."

"At least we're not dead. Like you." Lukas said.

"You guys better not be stealing my deck up there!"

"He won't need these, now that he's deceased." Emil said, taking Vash's deck.

BACK TO FELI!

"We brought back the star chips!" Lilly said, holding them out.

"REJECTED!" Mathias smacked the star chips out of Lilly's hand and grabbed her. "I'm glad I took all those child grabbing classes!"

"UNHAND HIM, YOU NAMELESS HENCHMAN!" Lovino demanded.

"Meet at the dueling field in a few hours, and we'll talk." Mathias said.

Time passes…

"Attention Duelists! I'm still not unhanding him!" Mathias said.

"What a pointless interlude!" Antonio said.

"Wait, guys!" Belle said. "That looks like Vash!"

"This time, Feliciano, you don't stand a ghost of chance." 'Vash' said.

"OH NO! He has LESS personality than before!" Antonio said.

To be continued…

* * *

**Hope you liked it! Please review! I need them! I MUST HAVE THEM! THEY'RE ALMOST AS ESENTIAL AS CARD GAMES!**


	3. Episodes 7 to 8

**A/N: I JUST LOST THE GAME. This. Is. Epic. Don't even read this. Skip down to the story.**

* * *

_Episode 7- Cliffhanger_

"_Previously, on Hetalia…"_

"_Feliciano, I think I'm pregnant." Belle said. "And Lovino's the father!" _

_**Io3rh**_

"_Antonio! Don't leave me!" Alfred yelled into the phone._

"_I'm sorry Alfred, but it's not working out between us." _

"_BUT I _LOVE_ YOU!" _

_**Utj34qith**_

"_Feliciano, I think I'm pregnant, and Feliks is the father!" _

_**Gueatge3asui**_

"_Grandpa! So it was you who shot Antonio!" Feliciano said. _

"_Yes, it was I!" Romulus stated. _

_**H83gh**_

"_Feliciano, I think I'm pregnant, and Arthur's the-" _

"_No fucking way!" Feliciano interrupted. _

"_Okay, I might've lied about that one."_

_**Ui3tr890**_

"_This time, Feliciano, you don't stand a ghost of a chance…" 'Vash' said. _

_**Ighwouith95**_

"_Feliciano, I think I'm pregnant!" Antonio grabbed Feliciano by the collar. "And _YOU'RE _the father!" _

_**8y4tg**_

"_And now, the exciting conclusion! … Wait, did any of that stuff actually _happen_?" _

"Attention Duelists! My hair has abducted this small child!" Mathias announced. "If you want me to release her, you will first have to defeat Vash's ghost in a duel."

"Are you trying to tell me that Vash came back from the dead just to play a card game with me?" Lovino asked.

"Yes!"

"Either this is a trick, or this show is even dumber than I thought."

"That's right, Feliciano, I have come back from the dead in order to defeat you. My desire for vengeance was so strong that Hell itself could not hope to contain-"

"Okay, time out," Lovino said. "Does anyone believe for one second that this guy is a ghost?"

"I do!"

"Anyone _besides_ Alfred?"

"… I do!" Alfred repeated.

"What's your point?" 'Vash' asked.

"My point is you're not a ghost! No fucking way."

"Then explain why I have this." 'Vash' played a card. "The Hitasumi Giant."

"Oh, you're right." Lovino stated sarcastically. "That definitely proves it."

"Look, I'm a ghost okay? Stop being such a jerk about it!"

"If you're a ghost, then I'm straight!" Lovino said.

MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE ELSE!

The real Vash had snuck onto the island.

"Now that Francis thinks I'm dead, I can now redeem my character in the eyes of the fans." Vash said. "Wait, how the hell did I climb up the side of a mountain while holding a briefcase? And for that matter, how the hell did I get here?" Vash opened a secret door in the ground. "INTO THE VASH CAVE!"

(Cue the Batman theme song xD)

Vash had hacked into the computer.

"Hi there Vash~! I'm your inappropriately voiced computer system~!"

"Wait a minute, does that mean I have to spend the entire episode talking to a machine?" Vash asked.

"It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it~?"

"Using my elite haxor skills, I'm going to bring down one of Francis's satellites so that I can gain access to his computer systems. Hooray, for cyber terrorism."

"It looks like you're pressing the same keys over and over again~!"

"That's because I learned how to hack by watching old episodes of Star Trek."

"Since I'm such an advanced computer, I can make Francis's computer system look like a really boring video game~!" A blue screen came on.

"AH! The blue screen of DEATH. My mortal enemy…"

BACK TO THE DUEL!

"You don't stand a ghost of a chance, Feliciano, because this time I-"

"HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO _USE_ THAT LINE?"

(Seriously, they use that line way too much. Here, I'll prove it to you. *plays montage* Hetalia Abridged, where bad puns go to die. BONZ CAMEO FTW!)

"Ooooo, I'm a ghost, Ooooo!"

"Oh stop it! You're not fooling anyone." Lovino said.

"It's a ghost!" Antonio yelled.

"… They don't count."

"That's not my big brother!" Lily yelled. "Everyone says that he's a bad person, but it's not true!"

"He stole my grandfather's favorite card, put him in the hospital, and left you at the mercy of his enemies." Lovino deadpanned. "Face it kid, your brother's a giant prick."

MEANWHILE!

"Even though I'm his arch rival, I'm going to use this virus to help Feliciano win." Vash finished his hack. "Finally, being a rich nerd pays off."

"You really _do_ need to get laid~!"

BACK TO THE DUEL!

"Aha! You're not a ghost at all!" Lovino looked repulsed. "You're some kind of… gay clown, apparently."

"Ugh, it's slightly more repulsive than _regular_ clowns!" Belle looked really freaked out.

"Actually, I'm not a clown. I'm Vash's evil side brought back from the shadow realm by Francis-"

"That's even _less_ believable than the whole ghost story! You don't know what you are, do you?" Lovino looked very bored.

"No."

"Didn't think so." Lovino charged up his magical powers. "MIND CRUSH!" The clown disappeared. "… Did I just kill a gay clown?"

"That ghost didn't scare me! Even though I just Sh*t my pants!" Antonio said.

"He didn't stand a _ghost_ of a chance!" Lovino grinned. Everyone laughed.

"Hey, what happened to Lily?" Alfred asked.

"WHO CARES?"

_Episode 8- The Plot Thinnens _

"_Hetalia is a production of the children's television workshop." _

"It's a shame Lily got kidnapped again. If we'd been paying the slightest bit of attention it probably wouldn't have happened." Alfred nodded.

"Oh, she gets kidnapped once a week. I'm sure she's used to it by now." Feliciano waved it off.

MEANWHILE

"It feels like I'm dying inside…" Lily whimpered sadly.

BACK TO THE PWOTAGANISTS!

"Come on, let's play some more card games!"

"Hey, some idiot dropped their cards!" Alfred was about to take them.

"Hands off, those are mine!" Antonio demanded… but his voice was different. I sounded deep and hot. O_O

"Antonio! What the hell happened to your voice?" Alfred stared at his friend.

"It sounds all weird! Does it hurt to talk like that?" Feliciano asked.

"You guys, I've always sounded like this, I swear!" Antonio spazzed.

"That voice is all wrong!" Belle giggled.

"What happened to the Antonio we know and love? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Alfred waved his arms in the air.

It took a while for things to calm down. "It sure is great to know I have my friends backing me up!" Alfred grinned.

"Man, Alfred, these guys look way out of your league. Maybe we should find some three year olds." Antonio sighed.

"He'd be better off facing a _dueling monkey_!" Belle smirked.

"You guys are the worst friends _EVER_!" Alfred pouted.

"Hello, Alfred, happy to see me~?" Kat sang, coming closer.

"Why yes, talking cleavage, I'm very happy to see you."

"Meet your next opponent." Kat said, stepping aside to reveal Toris.

"That's Toris Lenkija." Feliciano gasped. "He was regional finalist!"

"Hehe~ you said region." Toris snickered.

"I foolishly accept your challenge!" Alfred said.

"Don't do it Alfred, he'll clearly wipe the floor with you!" Antonio said.

"IT IS IMPLIED I AM PUNCHING YOU." Alfred said. Of course, this cartoon is 4Kids's property, meaning that the punch was off screen.

"Hey, you can't punch me when I'm off screen!" Antonio yelled as he rubbed the sore spot where Alfred had slugged him.

"You had it coming to you! Ever since your voice changed, you've been like a totally different person!" Alfred thought for a moment. "Well, actually you've been like the same person, only with a totally different voice."

"Good luck winning this card game without my help." Antonio walked away.

"Yeah, cause you're usually such an _important_ character." Alfred said sarcastically.

"Just remember our deal, Toris! And watch out for his Time Wizard! That's what he used to defeat my harpies!" Kat yelled up to Toris. Both Toris and Alfred were on the dueling arena.

"You have herpes?" Toris asked in horror.

"HARPIES!" Kat whined, annoyed that Toris didn't hear correctly.

"Stop saying you have herpes!"

"I'm going to check on Antonio." Feliciano said and ran off to where he saw Antonio go.

"Oh, I love it when he abandons me…" Belle said dreamily.

Antonio was at a pond, washing his face. "Must… wash… away… the sin…!"

"Hey Antonio!" Feliciano smiled.

"Feliciano, what are you doing here? You should be helping Alfred."

"Alfred doesn't need my help. Don't you get it, Antonio? This is Alfred's coming of age episode where he proves he's a man by winning a children's card game all by himself."

…

Seriously?

"Well, he's got a hot sister, so I guess I can forgive him for assaulting me."

"And that's what friendship is all about!"

"…" Antonio stared in confusion. "What?"

"Let's just go back." Feliciano sighed. They soon arrived at the duel scene.

"Alfred, I've come back to lend you my support!" Antonio called.

"Hey, Antonio!" Alfred smiled, but he still glared. "I don't care!" He played a card. "TIME ROULETE GO!"

(It's the power of love~ Remember, Hetalia Abridged proves Creationism wrong! :D)

"Check it out, my dragon's stoned~" Toris chuckled as he watched his monster turn into stone.

"Congratulations, Alfred! You believed in the heart of the cards and it came through for you!" Feliciano cheered.

"Seemed more like dumb luck." Alfred deadpanned.

"Same thing, really."

MEANWHILE

Kat was all alone. "Now that I'm all alone, nothing bad could possibly happen to me."

Someone came up from behind her. "It's raping time!" They dragged her away.

BACK TO FELICIANO AND FRIENDS!

They were sitting around a campfire. The bushes suddenly rustled. "There's something in the bushes!" Belle said.

Arthur started to mysteriously emerge from the darkness. (Cue squealing fangirls). "Hello, everyone, it's me Arthur. I've been stalking you for the last five episodes. I hope that doesn't seem too suspicious…"

"Do we know you?" Feliciano asked, tilting his head.

"He _does_ seem familiar somehow…" Antonio trailed off.

"What's the deal with his inappropriate accent?" Alfred asked (still talking in a Brooklyn accent).

"Let's compare ourselves to our favorite cards to set up a plot point for the next episode!" Feliciano said.

"I'm the Flame Swordsman!" Alfred grinned, holding up his card.

"I'm the Cyber Commander." How does Tristan have a favorite? He doesn't even play Duel Monsters…

"I'm the Magician of Faith!"

"And I'm the Dark Magician." Feliciano smiled. "What's your favorite, Arthur?"

"This is _my_ favorite card." Arthur held up a card with an evil demon on it. "Oops! Wrong one…" He took out a different one. "Here we go. The Change of Heart. If you want to know how it works, we could have a duel right now."

"That sounds innocent enough." Feliciano smiled.

Arthur's eyes became a shade darker and his fringe seemed to stick up like blonde horns. "There's something else I'd like you know," His voice suddenly became deeper. "You're a bunch of _idiots_."

"This came completely out of nowhere!" The atmosphere became gloomy and everyone except Arthur froze and fell on the grounds.

"That's what you get for hogging all of my screen time, you little bitch." Arthur started to grab Feliciano's Millennium Puzzle. "Now to take your Millennium Puzzle and steal your role as main character." Suddenly, the Puzzle glowed and Lovino took control. "What in Ivan's name is going on?"

"Get your hands off my Puzzle, you limey fruitcake!" Lovino said.

"What say you and I have a card game to decide who gets to be the main character? When I win, this show will be all mine!" Arthur smirked.

"Okay but… Who are you?" Lovino asked.

"I'm Arthur."

"Never heard of you."

* * *

**CLIFF HANGERS! Cuz their fun. XD ON THAT NOTE! I JUST LOST THE GAME. **


End file.
